Mundanely Lewd

The captions in this universe/on this page are meant to be a bit more in line with normal reality, but still abundantly lewd.

All persons depicted are fictitious, not owned by me, and above the age of 18.

The Apex of Human Sexuality

Originally posted 2018-03-30

An abundantly voluptuous woman stands in waist-deep water, wearing a translucent and revealing maroon one-piece swimsuit that fails to hide her large nipples. Her hands are wafting through her thick black hime-cut hair.

You have been staring at me for a while now. I take it you like what you see? I would certainly hope so. This body was specifically designed to meet or exceed the standards for human sexual attractiveness. Or, at least that is what they told me. I am somewhat skeptical myself. I am not so sure these... prominences on my chest are attractive. I have observed next to no other women have them quite as large as mine. Moreover, I have observed seventeen different women staring at me for varying durations with what I believe to be resentment. This leads me to believe the ideal size is significantly smaller than that of my own.

That is not necessarily the case, you say? It seems there are many facets of humanity I still have yet to master, it seems. From what you have told me, I believe I am... beginning to understand.

I must admit, my grasp of the concept is fairly limited, but I believe I am using the term correctly when I say you are... cute. The next step, if I am not mistaken, is to invite you to a private location where we may become intimate uninterrupted. I would greatly enjoy doing so. I traveled to this planet, with this body, specifically to revel in the joys of human sexual intercourse. I researched the subject extensively and enthusiastically, so you may believe me when I say I know what I am talking about here.

Ah! Your pulse and respiration have increased! You are sexually aroused by the sight of my body! Wait... how clumsy of me! I have neglected to initiate the flow of hormones appropriate for this situation! One moment...

Oh my! This is a very powerful sensation! I am finding it... very difficult to maintain composure! I very much wish to leap on top of you, pull off your swimsuit, and engage in vigorous and profoundly pleasurable sexual intercourse!

Ooh... I cannot take it anymore! Come! We have lots of intercourse to partake in! I have a room booked at a nearby hotel with a very comfortable bed!

Oh, do not be shy! Your body is not even trying to hide its arousal at this point! I want you, you want me... what is the problem?

Working Title: Big Anime Tiddies

No glowing eyes this time. I mean, if the alien is supposed to blend in with the humans, then literal headlights for eyes would be counter-intuitive, right?

The character depicted is Yayoi Saeki, an original character by dragon@harry on Pixiv, first image.

Volleyball Giantesses

Originally posted 2018-04-19

I always thought I was pretty tall. At least, I was tall compared to my peers. 181 cm and damn proud of it. It was a great confidence booster for me. I quickly became the star player on the university's volleyball team. Life was good...

For a while, anyway. Then they showed up.

A well-built man in a red volleyball uniform labelled '13' faces three blonde Amazonian women, estimated to be around 304 cm tall or just shy of 10 feet. On the left is number 12, with a bob and two small red hairclips on the right side of her bangs. In the middle is number 11, with a somewhat greener ponytail and straight-cut bangs. She has one hand on her hip. The right player's number is obscured (possibly a single digit?) but her arms are crossed and her long spiky hair is accented with a blue hairband.

Students from a foreign country. I, the tallest guy on campus, now felt like a dwarf. They must have been twice my height. Emotions flooded my mind: lust, humiliation, fear, passion, love, apprehension, yearning, lust, frustration, lust.... All the while, I struggled just to maintain an ounce of composure.

The long-haired one surveyed me from head to toe--or, relative to her, hip to toe.

"My, my!" she giggled. "I knew we were tall compared to most women, but I never would have guessed even Japanese men were this short!"

"I kinda want to take one of them home with me!" the short-haired one added. "Aren't they just the cutest little things?"

"Girls, girls," the ponytailed one interjected. "Come on, let's not tease him because he's different. We need to set a good example for these folks. He's probably never met people from our country, so we should give a good first impression."

To me, she continued, "I'm sorry about them. They can get a little cocky, but they're good people when you get to know them. Well, that aside, I guess we'll be up against each other in tonight's match." She reached out a tremendous hand. I immediately flinched, since I was half-expecting her to literally crush me like a discarded soda can. No, she was just offering a handshake. My entire hand was about the size of one of their fingers. I knew foreigners tended to shake hands more vigorously than Japanese people--and so did she, apparently, seeing as she was extra gentle with my hand. ...Or maybe she was simply worried about hurting little me.

"Best of luck to you!" she gave me a little wave before walking off with her peers. I stood there in a daze while my mind struggled to process what just happened.

I started this one a while ago, but never got around to finishing until now.

I did some math, given that Mr. 13 is 181 cm tall and reaches to a bit above the amazons' waists. Considering the average height of an adult American woman (the girls aren't from America per se, I just wanted a specific demographic) is 5'4" (hereafter 163 cm), I concluded that, scaled down, 13 would be 97 cm tall if the girls were 163 cm. So scaling 13 back to 181 cm and the trio proportionally, I concluded the amazon trio are all 304 cm tall, or 9'11.5". (I'm considering the apparent differences between the trio's heights to be a matter of distance and/or posture, not actual height.)

The characters depicted are original characters by ソリュウ on Pixiv.

Mona

Originally posted 2020-01-05

Steve woke up feeling incredibly relaxed--something that until a few months ago had been a foreign concept for him. A delicious smell wafted into his bedroom, causing his stomach to growl. That, coupled with a faint sizzling, told him where his wife was.

He hopped out of bed and headed over to the kitchen. Sure enough, she was cooking scrambled eggs and bacon, clad in the black lingerie she wore to bed.

She turned to him and smiled. "Good morning, Steve. How did you sleep?"

"Wonderfully." Indicating the food, he added, "I thought I smelled something good. Looks good too!"

"Why, thank you! I wanted to surprise you with my own take on bacon and eggs."

"Ooh, sounds like I'm in for a treat!"

"The food is nearly ready. Please make yourself comfortable at the table."

He took a fork and napkin and sat down. Shortly after, Mona scooped a healthy portion of sizzling bacon and and steaming eggs for them both and sat down across from him. She couldn't help but smile as Steve took his first bite.

It was like he had never had bacon or eggs before. The bacon was thoroughly crispy and seemingly devoid of fat, and the combination of egg, butter, and cheese Mona put together was like a supernaturally delicious cross between cotton candy and cheesecake.

"Oh my god, this is amazing!"

"Thank you! I'm glad you like it!"

"Like it?" Steve said between bites. "I love it! Let's eat now and talk later--I'm sure you're hungry too, especially after watching the food so closely and putting so much care into it!"

Mona giggled. "You read my mind!"

As he finished his breakfast, Steve started to zone out, staring into his lover's face.

I still can't believe she's alive today! She was one of the first anatomically modern humans, dating back some 200,000 years! One simply doesn't have life signs after 200 millennia frozen in ice! I had to get creative to save her.

That serum injection I gave her was a hell of a gamble--one I immediately regretted when she started screaming at the top of her ancient lungs. After falling unconscious, she began to transform, becoming supernaturally beautiful. I still have no idea what was even in that serum, to cause such a dramatic change.

Eventually, she woke up and realized how much she had changed, and that I was responsible. Instinct took over in her and she kissed me. I was stunned, letting her tear my clothes off. Before I knew it, we were making love through the night and into the next morning. Did all early Homo sapiens have such ravenous libidos or was the serum responsible for that?

Either way, it was... divine. We cuddled afterwards. Right before she fell asleep, she looked into my eyes with a startling intensity and said 'Mona happy.'

I was amazed. Thrilled. Exuberant. Probably a dozen more feelings I don't have the words for, too.

Steve jumped as Mona put her hand on his shoulder.

Clad in black lingerie, Mona smiles and blushes bashfully, playing with a bit of her long black hair.

"You okay? You were staring into space for a while there."

"Oh, uh... yeah. I was just thinking about how lucky I am that we met."

With a smile, Mona gently touched her forehead against Steve's.

"I couldn't agree more."

Commissioned by danio13. Thanks to OmniScribbler for beta reading and additional contributions.

This is the shortest title for a thing I've posted so far, beating God Sex by 3 characters. I wonder if I can go shorter....

The image I used is fanart of Mirabell Bell from Taimanin Asagi, done by airisubaka on Twitter. That post has since been deleted, so here's a Danbooru mirror. The background is by nigorimizu on Pixiv.

Additionally, the name Mona here has no relation to Genshin Impact's astrologist. Take note of this caption's post date and Genshin's initial release date--I didn't know of Genshin's existence until happening upon trailers for it between acts of Star Trek: Discovery episodes, which was around September 2020--I know I started Genshin on 2020-10-01, not long after its release on 2020-09-28.

Totally Just a Fishing Maid

Originally posted 2020-06-25

"Master, I have retrieved tonight's supper from the river."

"Oh, fantastic! You got a beautiful salmon, nice work! Can't wait for... uh..."

"... Master? Is something the matter?"

A properly-dressed maid with a decently large bust and a bob of dark hair stands with a fishing rod in one hand and a large, dripping-wet salmon in the other. Her expression is blank and the buttons in her shirt produce a small gap revealing a tiny sliver of her breasts.

"Your hook looks completely unused. For that matter, where's your bait?"

"I didn't require either to catch this fish."

"H-how did you catch it, if not with the rod and bait?"

"I just reached in and grabbed it. I actually moved fast enough that the splashing water missed me. Have I failed to meet your expectations, master?"

"I-I-- no, it's just... mind-boggling that you're capable of something like that!"

"Master, I honestly can't tell if you're mocking me or severely underestimating me. Are you not capable of simply reaching into a river and pulling out a fish? I had assumed you asked me to do it since you're paying for my services, but could it be that you actually aren't capable of a task as mundane as that?"

"I... well, I wouldn't ordinarily, but... I suppose it's possible, at least? I'm not sure what to say, honestly. Uh, where are you from again?"

"I was born in Helsinki, Finland. My mother, currently age 59, is a shop sales assistant, while my father, currently age 61, is a heavy truck and lorry driver. I am 28 years old, starting this job as your maid immediately after finishing college."

"Uh... okay. I didn't really ask about most of that, but okay. Are you... being defensive? You seem a bit more tense now than you were a moment ago."

"...I don't know what you're talking about. My blood pressure, respiration, and electrodermal activity are all perfectly normal and relaxed."

"And that's another thing. The way you talk is really, um... encyclopedic, I guess? It's... odd."

"Is it really so odd that I've read every encyclopedia? What are they there for, if not to be read?"

"I'm not sure we're on the same page here. It-- w-wait, every encyclopedia?"

"Oh yes. Every encyclopedia--every document deemed worth saving, really--across every medium from as far back as six thousand years ago. It's possible that I've missed a few, but I figure what I don't read about I can experience firsthand."

"Y-you're pulling my leg, aren't you?"

"No...? I'm holding the fish I caught with one hand and the rod with the other. What I am doing is speaking to you. If you're skeptical, then I can prove it. 1911 Encyclopædia Britannica, volume 17, slightly past halfway down the left column of page 629: 'MAP, a representation, on a plane and a reduced scale, of part or the whole of the earth’s surface. If specially designed to meet the--'"

"Okay, okay, okay, I believe you! I can't believe it, but I believe... you? I... never mind, you know what I mean. How are you able to read and remember so much?"

"The same way any human would, of course. The vast majority of written works are publicly available online, so scanning and processing those en masse is laughably easy--hundreds of petabytes in milliseconds, everything in minutes. Strictly-offline works, of course, call for a bit of research. Find where the work is stored and how the location is structured--more likely than not, that information is online. Then teleport there, observe the work long enough to mentally process it, and teleport back. The process can get tedious with my upper limit of only 65,535 active duplicate bodies, but it's still more efficient than reaching into a body of water for sustenance. Did you hire me in hopes of increasing that efficiency? Because the solution there is not to continue feeding the curse, but to eliminate it at its source."

"...I need a... a nap."

"Of course, master. Shall I prepare your supper now or preserve it in temporal stasis for later?"

"...I don't feel qualified to answer that. Please use your best judgment... and talk like a normal person when I wake up. Pretend if you must, just... do whatever it takes, alright?"

"Yes, master. Sleep well."

Working title: Gone Fishin'

The title I ultimately decided on is a play on card names in Tanto Cuore. It's essentially Dominion but with anime maids--check it out if that sounds interesting. What's relevant here is that the maid cards in that game have brief descriptors: Cooking Maid, Laundry Maid, Treasury Maid, Nap Maid, and so on. So I'm following that pattern with Totally Just a Fishing Maid, because that's exactly who and what she is.

The image I used is of an original character done by whoisshe on Pixiv (first or fourth image, they're apparently identical).

After deciding on Finland for the maid's cover story's birthplace, I looked up a bunch of Finnish averages to construct her completely plausible backstory.

Curiously, this caption (in its original form) was posted to joibooru, despite it depicting no JOI. Shrug emoji. To be clear though, I have no issue with it being posted there--proper credit is given (though there's no space between Delta and 7447) and a link to the original on DeviantArt is included.

Thanks to Akane and OmniScribbler for beta reading and additional contributions. Additional thanks to Wikisource for providing scans and a (mostly) complete plain text transcription of the public domain 1911 Encyclopædia Britannica.